from the publishers of: Verywell, Real Simple, EatingWell, Shape, Parents, Health and Allrecipes
Every generation of parents has dealt with the difficult task of navigating teen slang. It can become downright baffling trying to decipher the meaning behind what your kids are saying. Take for instance the latest phrase—’face card’—which is making the rounds on social media. This phrase, which is often used to reference someone’s physical appearance, has the most slang-savvy parents wondering if teens looking for and receiving input on their face card is really all that healthy.
To help you navigate this potentially volatile situation, we asked mental health experts to provide insight into the term face card— what it means, where it originated, how teens are using it, and, most importantly, how you can offset any toxic messages that might harm your teen’s self-esteem.
The term face card likely originates in both African American Vernacular English (AAVE) and queer culture, with significant overlap between these communities, says Rebecca Minor, MSW, LICSW, a licensed clinical social worker, gender specialist, and part-time faculty member at Boston University School of Social Work. “In queer slang, face card refers to someone’s face or appearance, similar to the term ‘mug.’ For example, saying someone’s ‘face card never declines’ would mean their face is always stunning.”
Minor says the metaphor compares a person’s face to a type of currency or credit card, suggesting their looks alone can open doors or get them what they want without needing cash or credit.
In recent years, Minor says face card has gained broader usage online, similar to other AAVE terms that have been adopted by mainstream internet culture. “It’s now commonly used to describe someone who is highly attractive and can leverage their appearance to their advantage.”
Teens use the phrase face card primarily on social media platforms to comment on beauty, self-confidence, or social clout. Minor says the words can be used humorously or complementarily, with phrases like:
“Teens may also post selfies or videos with captions referencing their ‘face card,’ inviting validation from their peers,” says Minor. “However, the phrase is also used competitively or critically, as a way of rating or comparing appearances. For example, comments like “Face card declined“ are used to insult or shame someone’s looks, contributing to the pressure to meet social beauty standards.”
According to Minor, the phrase face card creates a high-stakes, appearance-focused social currency. And, if your teen feels like their face card has been declined rather than accepted it can create a number of negative consequences like body image issues, increased anxiety or depression, perceived inadequacy, and a heightened dependency on external validation, says Minor.
Social media, and the multitude of trends that infiltrate the average teen’s feeds, may disrupt the formation of a healthy self-esteem by feeding them information that damages their self-image. In fact, in 2021 documents were leaked from an Instagram study that revealed about one out of three teen girls felt worse about their bodies after using the app, and so did about 14% of boys.
With trends like face card these results aren’t surprising. While the phrase can be playful or celebratory among peers, and even boost self-confidence, it also reinforces a focus on physical appearance and can inadvertently prioritize external validation over intrinsic qualities, says Minor.
For teens, peer acceptance plays a critical role in self-identity, says Isha W. Metzger, Ph.D., LCP, an associate professor of Clinical-Community Psychology at Georgia State University and an adjunct faculty member in the Psychology Department at the University of Georgia. “When a teen feels their face card doesn’t measure up to their peers’ standards, it can lead to feelings of rejection and shame.”
Social media platforms fuel this dynamic by promoting highly curated and filtered images of beauty, says Dr. Metzger. “Teens are exposed to influencers and peers who appear to effortlessly meet societal ideals, often without understanding how artificial these portrayals can be.”
Eventually, being judged and scrutinized for one’s appearance takes a toll on one’s mental health, especially if your child is already emotionally fragile or vulnerable, says Tamr Z. Kahane, PysD, a licensed clinical psychologist, founder, and clinical director of The Kahane Center, LLC. “It can fuel disordered eating, anxiety, depression, and more.”
If you find that your teen is using the term face card either in person or online, it’s important to open up a dialogue about it and use it as a teaching moment. Dr. Metzger suggests starting a conversation by saying: “I’ve seen people talking about ‘face cards’ online—what do you think about that?”
This opens the door for dialogue and gives teens the chance to share their perspectives, she says. “Parents also can emphasize that true beauty is multidimensional, reflecting a person’s character, talents, and authenticity. This helps shift the focus from physical appearance to more substantive qualities.”
It’s also important to listen to what your teen has to say and invite them to share their perspective on the phrase and how it has impacted them. Of course, if they don’t have a lot to say, know that they still appreciate your input—even if they do roll their eyes. In fact, research shows that teens value their parents’ input over others. They rely on you to let them know the rules of society and even what healthy sexuality looks like.
Here are some other tips for addressing “face cards’ with your teens. Dr. Metzger suggests you:
Most experts recommend complimenting your teen about something other than their looks. Instead, shift the focus to their non-physical traits and achievements with the goal of building a well-rounded self-esteem, suggests Minor.
You also can offset these messages by fostering a self-image where your kids appreciate themselves not for their looks or their social media profile but rather for their authentic selves, says Sean O’Neill, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical director of Maple Moon Recovery. You also should monitor and agree on certain rules regarding social media as well as encourage activities that build confidence through achievement in sports, art, or other subjects, he says.
“Have active discussions regarding self-worth and body image by taking into consideration the fact that appearance isn’t the only value,” he says. “Convince [your] teen that other aspects of a person’s life are better valuation tools.”